


Please Don't Leave Me

by fallingjustanotherwaytofly



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2703200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingjustanotherwaytofly/pseuds/fallingjustanotherwaytofly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For years Tsukishima Kei has been hiding a secret from everyone. His classmates, teammates, and even his best friend/boyfriend, Yamaguchi Tadashi. He hides his secret by being an asshole to everyone around him. To him, being a jerk is better than being vulnerable. But how much longer can he hide his secret?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't Leave Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fanfic and I am very excited to share it all with you. As someone with bipolar disorder I tend to find it cathartic to write about it. So I decided to give Tsukishima bipolar disorder and based his character loosely on myself. I really hope you enjoy reading this! Thanks. :) 
> 
> P.s. Grammar is NOT something I am very good at so please excuse whatever mistakes I make.

Tsuki felt his heart racing fast, his head started to feel light, and everything around him seemed louder than usual. His clothes felt itchy against his skin, he couldn't stop shaking his leg, and he absentmindedly began to scratch his forearm roughly. He realized what was happening and began to panic. “Shit…” he thought to himself, “now’s not the time to slip, not in math class, how the fuck am I going to get out of here?” He looks around at the other students, luckily no one is looking at him fall apart. He looks at the teacher and raises his hand. “Sir, may I go to the nurse?” Tsuki asks politely, managing to control the shakiness in his voice. The teacher grunted a “yes” then Tsuki grabbed his things and calmly left the class as if nothing was wrong. 

The moment he stepped foot out of the class he bolted to the nearest bathroom. Once he was in there and checked that he was alone, he locked the door and slid down against the wall. He held his head in his hands while silently saying, “Calm down, calm down, calm down” over and over again. After he steadied his breathing he pulled out his phone and dialed in his mother’s number. The phone rang a few times. “Come on, come on, come on, please pick up!” he said to himself beginning to panic once again. After what seemed like an eternity he heard a concerned voice say, “Kei, why are you calling me during school? What’s wrong?”

“Mom, please come get me. It’s an emergency.”

“Sweetie, where are you? Are you hurt? What’s going on?”

“I- I’m in the bathroom at school a-and I think I’m having a panic attack and I really need to come home, can you come get me? Please?” he said as his voice began to tremble. 

“I’m on my way, don’t worry. Just keep talking to me, sweetie, everything is fine. When did it start?”

“During math, it all of the sudden hit me and I’m worried that my mood is going to slip and I’m scared.”

“I’ll be at the school in five minutes, go to the front of the building when I text you, ok? Everything will be fine.”

“Ok, see you soon”

He hung up and softly hit the wall with his head a few times. “Why can’t I be normal?” he mused to himself, holding back the tears forming behind his eyes. He stayed like that for a while, sitting on the dirty bathroom floor, head against the wall, all alone and trying not to cry. He felt pathetic, no, he knew he was pathetic. 

When he got home he went straight to his room and grabbed one of the many bottles of pills out of his desk drawer. This pill was for when his anxiety was acting up, he grabbed one and swallowed it dry. Forgetting to put the bottle back into the desk drawer, he threw it onto the desk not caring where it landed. He stared at it for a moment, thinking about all of the medicine it took to keep him sane, or, as stable as possible. Not wanting to stare at them any longer he stripped off his school clothes and crawled into bed. He then texted Suga and told him that he wasn’t feeling well so he left school early and won’t be able to attend practice. Suga responded immediately telling him that it was ok and that he should rest. “Suga is always so sweet, even to a piece of shit like me.” he thought to himself. Then he texted Yamaguchi telling him the same thing, that he wasn’t feeling well. He hated himself for lying to them, especially to his boyfriend. Lying to everyone who cared about him. Well, it is true, he isn’t feeling well, he just didn’t tell him that he was mentally not feeling well rather than physically. He turned over on his side, waiting for his medicine to take over. He couldn’t help but cry a little as he fell asleep. 

______________

It was a year and a half ago when Tsuki was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The news hit him hard. His mom took him to the doctor thinking that it was just stress or hormones that were causing these severe mood swings. Mood swings that could last anywhere from a week to a month at a time. They were shocked to hear the diagnoses since no one in their family have had a history of mental illness. After finding this out, Tsuki went from being an jerk to a complete asshole to everyone around him. He didn’t want anyone to know the truth, so he hid all of his true feelings behind a mask of insults and gossip. Sure, he had never been fond of people to begin with, but being even a bigger dick than before was his only defense. Easy to pretend like you’re not broken when no one else knows what’s wrong. Shortly before the diagnoses him and Yamaguchi, his childhood friend, started dating. No one in his or Yama’s family was bothered by this at all. In fact, they all were waiting for the day to come. They knew how much Yama loves Tsuki, and how much Tsuki, even though he attempts to hide it, loves Yama. Tsuki was afraid of what Yama might think if he told him the news. “No one wants to date someone with a mental illness, would they?” and “He would only leave me if he knew how fucked up I am.” were thoughts that ran through Tsuki’s head over and over. In the end he decided that it would be best if he hid it from Yama as well. 

 

Then they both began high school and life became way more stressful for Tsuki in particular. He loved playing volleyball and he loved playing volleyball with his boyfriend even more. But balancing school work and practice gave him little time to keep his sanity and moods under control. His medicines began to not help as much and even his brother sat him down one day and said, “I’m worried about you, you’re getting bad again. Maybe you should wait and play volleyball next year? You know, get yourself acquainted with high school first.” But Tsuki was determined to keep playing volleyball no matter what. He felt weak and useless if he wasn't playing. It gave him drive and motivation, something he desperately needed in order to stay sane. All his family could do was sit and watch Tsuki fall apart and stitch himself back together over, and over, and over again. He refused any help from anyone. No one outside of his family was to know how ‘pathetic’ he was. So he continued to take his pills, play volleyball, and make good grades no matter how bad things got. 

_______________

“Kei has been acting really strange recently…” Yama said to himself after he read the text message Tsuki had just sent him. It was lunch time when he got the text, so it gave him time to really think about Tsuki’s health. “He seems to be going home early more often these days… Hm… Maybe there’s something he isn’t telling me.” he thought. 

He knew that Tsuki was a very private person and was often closed off from the rest of the world. Even when he did open up it was very superficial and skimmed the surface of the real problem. But he never forced anything from Tsuki, he was just happy when Tsuki was with him. No one could ever love Tsuki as much as he does and everyone knows it. He’s always thankful that Tsuki loves him back, even though he doesn't see why. Ever since Tsuki saved him from those bullies many years ago, he's followed him like a lost puppy. Tsuki never complains because secretly he’s happy that Yama wants to spend time with him, even though he’s a jerk and Yama is an angel. But they love each other and no matter what has happened between them they've stuck together. 

He decided that after practice he’d go straight to Tsuki’s house to check up on him. 

________________

A couple of hours later Tsuki finally woke up but didn’t bother getting out of bed. He checked the time on his phone, 7:00 pm it said. He stared at the ceiling for a few moments before turning his body to face the wall and closed his eyes again. “What's the point of getting up?” “What's the point of anything?” “No one at practice would really miss me, well, maybe Yama, but he’s fine on his own.” “Everyone must have enjoyed a night without having insults thrown their way.” Tsuki was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn’t even hear the door to his room open. He decided to pretend like he was still sleeping in order to avoid any questions that his mom may ask. So he stayed there silently controlling his breathing, waiting for the person to leave.

_____________

Yama knocked on Tsuki’s front door, waited a few moments, and then was greeted with the warm smile of Tsuki’s mom. “Tadashi! Come in sweetie!” She said as she kissed his cheek and let him through the door. “Hello, I was wondering if I could see Kei? He sent me a text saying that he was sick and he’s been sick a lot lately so I wanted to check up on him, if that’s alright with you.” He asked as he took his shoes off. “Of course you can see him! You’re so sweet. He’s up in his room right now, I’m not sure if he’s awake. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you. If anyone can help him, it’s you.” And with that Tsuki’s mom walked back into the kitchen and resumed doing whatever it was that she was doing. 

He walked up the stairs and thought to himself, “If anyone can help him? I thought he was just sick… What does he need help with? Is there something I don’t know about?” The thoughts stopped when he found himself in front of Tsuki’s room. He’s been in there more times than he can count, yet this is the first time he’s ever been nervous. Usually he’d barge right in and tackle Tsuki on his bed. But this was different. TSUKI was different. He took a deep breath and lightly knocked on the door. When there was no response he quietly opened the door and looked around. As usually, Tsuki’s room was spotless, they only thing out of place were worn school clothes piled on the floor next to a book bag. Everything seemed normal, but something was off. Finally Yama stepped into the room, closed the door, and turned the desk lamp on. As he did he noticed a bottle of pills on Tsuki’s desk. He had never seen Tsuki even take a painkiller before, let alone prescription pills. Yama looked over at the bed and assumed that Tsuki was still asleep. He walked closer to the desk and picked up the bottle to take a closer look. He didn't get the chance to read what it said before Tsuki grabbed it out of his hands. He turned around and saw Tsuki’s face, his eyes puffy from crying.

___________

Tsuki heard the person shut the door and turn on the desk lamp. Then he heard something terrifying. The sound of someone lightly saying “What are these?”. “No, no this is NOT good. I never forget to put the bottles away, shit, shit, shit! What if it isn’t mom? What if it’s Tadashi? Fuck, PLEASE don’t let it be Tadashi. I don’t want him to know, not like this.” Tsuki thought. It wasn’t until he heard the clattering of pills that he got up and grabbed the bottle out of the stranger’s hands. He then looked up to see who it was. It was Yama. And suddenly Tsuki felt his world crumble down on top of him. He couldn't hide his dirty secret anymore. All of the walls he’s built up toppling down and are crushing every lie he has ever told and every excuse he has ever made. And all in front of his beloved boyfriend.

“Kei- I- I shouldn't ha-have barged into your room like this a-and touched your things without asking, I’m sorry! I just came by because you’ve been sick a lot lately and I’m worried about you and it’s just, I’ve never seen you take a pill in your life, ever! So I was curious, that’s all! Please don’t be mad at me, I’m sorry!” Yama pleaded.

Tsuki just stood there with his head hanging down, staring blankly at the bottle in his hand.

“Kei, what’s going on? Please tell me so I can help you pl-” Yama was cut off when Tsuki started sobbing. Yama was frozen, Tsuki NEVER cries. Yama is always the one crying over spilled milk, but not Tsuki. Tsuki was invincible, wasn’t he?

“Kei, wh-”

“I’m... sorry Tadashi, I-I’ve… been lying to you… this whole… time, please… don’t leave me…” Tsuki managed to say in between each sob. He dropped the bottle and fell to the floor clutching his face in his hands, his glasses falling off in the process and no longer trying to suppress his tears. 

Yama slowly bent down and sat next to Tsuki, rubbing his hands on the crying boy's back. “Kei, what are you talking about? You have to calm down, talk to me. I’m here, you’re alright, everything is going to be fine. You have to calm down.” Yama said as he looked at his boyfriend broken on the floor and clueless as how to help him. “Look at me.” Yama demanded. Tsuki shook his head and stayed where he was. “Kei, look at me, damn it!” After a few moments Tsuki lifted his head and faced Yama. He looked like Hell. Yama has never seen him cry like this, eyes bloodshot, face red, a few scratch marks from where Tsuki was clawing at his neck. It broke his heart. He grabbed Tsuki’s head in his hands and forced him to make eye contact. “Kei, I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. And I will always love you. You saved me so let me help you. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll do whatever it takes to make it right.” And with that Tsuki threw himself into Yama’s arms and cried. Cried for all of the times he’s never allowed himself to cry, cried for all of the pain he’s been in, and cried for how much he loves Yama. 

Tsuki took a few deep breathes and was able to calm himself down a. He told Yama everything. He told him about being diagnosed and explained what bipolar disorder was. He told him what pills he was on and why he has to leave school some days. He told him why he acts the way he does and eventually why he didn’t tell Yama sooner. Once Tsuki was done Yama gives him a hug and a chaste kiss on the lips and says, “No matter what, I will always love you. And I promise I will never leave you.”

And that’s all Tsuki needed to hear.


End file.
